Een engelsman verveelde zich enorm en heeft een nieuwe manual gemaakt. Ik heb er al een hoop aan gehad dus daarom hier ook even geplaatst!
LANDROVER OWNERS GUIDE – THE UNABRIDGED VERSION PART 1Whilst grubbing around under the driver’s seat I found the Owners Manual for my Landrover, a work of fiction worthy of the Booker Prize. Here is my version…..
INTRODUCTION
Congratulations and commiserations on the purchase of the Landrover that is new to you. As you undoubtedly know Landrovers of all ages are a regular feature on roads and tracks both in the UK and abroad. Later models are an even greater feature on the backs of Recovery trucks…..
WHY OWN A LANDROVER ?
There are many reasons for owning a Landrover, below are the top ten
1. They are good family transport – do not forget that you can pressure wash both the inside and the outside, indeed a good long drive in the rain will ensure that the interior of your new vehicle will get a thorough soaking. All that is required to keep the trim in perfect condition is the addition of a none foaming upholstery cleaner and a very good Hoover (Vacuum cleaner for our foreign brethren). No need to fully dry the interior as the myriad of draughts around the door and dash vent seals will ensure that there is adequate ventilation for that very purpose.
2. Safety – remember that the vehicles both in front and behind you on a motorway are your own easily replaceable crumple zones. Be kind, they are there for your protection. As speed kills, we made our vehicles so slow that a snail with a limp can overtake.
3. In the winter, they come into their own. Not only will they teach you basic arctic survival skills, if one lives a long way from a supermarket, they serve as a very good alternative to a refrigerated lorry, brilliant at getting that frozen food home still frozen. You will also find that small children do not incessantly chatter on long winter journeys, hypothermia really shuts them up. Ditto pets.
4. Get that wind in the hair, flies in the teeth feeling of a motorbike in a large practical family SUV. Simply open the dash vents and Rainroof on your Landrover. We were the first post WW2 vehicle manufacturers to have removable pollen filters fitted as standard and they are two stage, your nasal hairs and lungs filter 99% of the air that enters them so breathe deeply and revel in the smell of the exhaust fumes leaking in through the dash vents.
5. Good for the environment. Landrovers are Green with a capital G. Admittedly a lot of the colour is due to the algae that grows on the inside due to the presence of a Rainroof and dodgy door seals… Given the pathetic fuel economy associated with most Landrover products, you make fewer journeys, so use less fuel, and as most long journeys will be finished on the back of a recovery truck, you finish your trip more relaxed than when you started it.
6. Tree Huggers hate them, say no more.
7. SadoMasochism, nuff said about that one then.
8. Owning a Landrover is like being married (without the good bits), you think you are the boss, but thoughts and actions are generally two different things. Remember that your Landrover is not a mindless mechanical object; rather it is a living, sentient female being. It will suffer from pre-, post- and menstrual tension. It will be bad tempered, truculent and prone to severe hissy fits at the drop of a hat. It will break both your heart and empty your bank account, but you bought it so live with it. And the divorce is just as painful….
9. Every journey is an adventure. You really do not know just what the hell is going to break or fall off next. In preparation for your next journey, please make sure that the recovery eyes (fitted front and rear) are in the down position so that the nice recovery truck driver can quickly and easily secure your vehicle to the nice heated/air conditioned flatbed wagon that he is kindly going to take you home in.
10. Landrovers are the ultimate multi-functioning vehicle. They keep the employment figures in the motor spares/recovery/spanner wielding industries at an all time high. They serve as family hacks, storage units and junk removers. The Green lobby loves em as most landrovers are a fully functioning ecosystem. They also bring out the hypocrisy inherent in most eurobox drivers, they hate em in the summer, but think the sun shines out of their exhaust pipes in the winter snow…..
VEHICLE SPECIFICATIONS AND SPARE PARTS
You are now about to clog dance in a minefield, blindfolded, naked and riding an elephant. Therefore, please read this section carefully and commit it to memory.
Specification details set out in this Handbook will vary from what Landrover think is the spec for your vehicle. Remember Landrovers are hand built, individual, vehicles and as such tend to contain a wide selection of parts that magically appeared in the parts bin next to the guy making it. Moreover, with second hand vehicles, some parts are not necessarily from any known Landrover product. Therefore, when ordering spare parts take a rough guess, you might be lucky and get it right first time. I doubt it though.
You can try giving the parts bod a chassis number (assuming you can find the registration documents, and/or have got a couple of hours spare to scrape off the congealed mix of power steering fluid/mud/underseal/stonechip/road film that has accumulated over the preceding days/weeks/months/years since the vehicle left the factory). Nevertheless, just ‘cos Microcat/Rave/the bootlegged parts manual PDF you downloaded from the internet suggests that RTC3456 is the correct part for your vehicle, believe me it probably isn’t.
Depending on the age of the vehicle, you will inevitably meet the phrase “Superseded by….” when talking to parts dealers. Now this is a catchall phrase. Main dealers use it a lot, ‘cos it means you get to buy the sprocket seal that was fitted to the later models. And as such it is normally 5 times as expensive as the original bit that you actually wanted, which is, incidentally probably still available, all be it under a different part number of course. And it won’t fit, but as you have opened the packet you can’t have a refund……
Best take the broken bit with you and match it up visually. That is assuming the bit is in a see through packet… That works most of the time. At some time, a parts man will ask, “what’s the age of the vehicle”, the standard, time honoured reply is was and always will be “which bit are we talking about?, it’s a Landrover for fu*ks sake”
SOURCING SPARE PARTS1.
THE INTERNET
Not necessarily a good thing.
Fleabay, and its like are swamped with spare parts, sadly lots of them come in blue boxes. Blue boxes are bad things. Things that come in blue boxes rarely do what they say on the box. Big things that come in blue boxes do have their uses though. Big heavy things in blue boxes make good anchors; however, they very rarely make good anvils or hammers as they are generally made of lead. Round rubber things in blue boxes are very good at letting all fluids (and some solids!, I sh*t you not) out of places where they are supposed to stay in. Avoid blue boxes. Electrical things in blue boxes tend to let all the electricity out as well, cunningly disguised as smoke whose colour matches the box – clever idea that, matching smoke.
Lots of bits on the internet originate from tea leaves. Not the drinking type either. Remember the LR90 that you had nicked off your drive? Well there is a damn good chance that the axle you buy from Pikey Bill’s Fleabay advert for your replacement LR was originally yours anyway. So next time PC 752 does a routine vehicle check (you know the type- they strip your vehicle down to its constituent parts to check the date stamps on the pedal rubbers), you get nicked for receiving stolen parts that you used to own.
Remember also that Fleabay descriptions do not necessarily refer to the bit you are actually buying. Indeed, Politicians, Lawyers and Estate Agents tell the truth more often than Fleabay sellers do.
There are of course many good sources of legitimate spares on the Internet. Just learn to avoid the ones with a search facility. Their search engines simply cannot cope with…..yup you’ve guessed “Superseded by….”.If you must use such a site simply type in a random collection of letters and numbers, who knows, you might just get lucky and ….well you know the rest (see above).
Trying to get a price for a part off the internet can be a bit like eating soup with a fork. The most commonly encountered phrase is that old gem “Phone for latest price”. Now call me cynical but it suggests to me that the web designer is on commission. When you ring, if they like the sound of your voice, you get a good price, that is assuming you know the correct part number of course and don’t run into “Superseded by….”. If they don’t like your voice then out comes the random number generator and somebody puts carborundum paste in the Vaseline…
Once you have ordered the incorrect part ‘cos it was “Superseded by….” And the work experience kid operating the switchboard (cos the website don’t have prices), who has difficulties with numbers greater than five, has taken payment, there comes the really exciting part DELIVERY.
Of course the bit you need is the bit you really needed yesterday (goes without saying) , so you splash out on 24hr delivery. Now for those of you who are not familiar with Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, here is a swift physics lesson. Einstein states that all things are relative, so let us use a time of say 20 seconds. Now a 20 second orgasm appears over in the blink of an eye, but angle grinding your testicles for 20 seconds seems to last a life time!!! Delivery times are the only things in the known universe that do not comply with Einsteins theory. They are from a different dimension. You see the thing they don’t tell you is when that 24 hours begins, could be days weeks years, you see they don’t give a sh*t cos you have already payed……….
2. MAIN DEALERS
Carborundum paste in the Vaseline, “Superseded by….”, “only come in packets of 3000 and I am not allowed to split a packet “ oh and occasionally stuff comes in blue boxes. Do I need to say any more?
3. GENERAL MOTOR FACTORS
Can be worth a try if I am honest. Find a good one and you are on to a winner, just be wary of blue boxes.
4. HALFORDS AND THE LIKE
If you can find a sales assistant who has actually finished going through puberty…Give them a go, it’s ALWAYS good for a laugh. So they won’t have the part you are after, but sh*t lets be honest here I will simply never get bored of seeing the look of sheer blind terror when I ask for 30 amp fused switching relay on the face of a callow youth in Halfords. NEVER. “Is it in a blister pack?” is generally the reply as their hairless bottom top quivers like Jordans bust on a paint mixing table, creases me up every f*ck*n time, every time. Just gotta keep going back, time and time again, ask them for a Swivel Hub rebuild kit and watch em reach for a clean Pampers. Life can be cruel…
5. INDEPENDENT SPECIALIST
Now we are talking. Cool dudes, good prices, most don’t mind you turning up with an oily, bent or severely broken bit and matching it up to a new one in the middle of their nice clean showroom. In fact, as most seem to have “been there, done that” they understand just what “Superseded by….”means. They are Gods amongst us mere mortals.
PART 2 CONTROLS and MAINTENANCE NOTES to follow
The New Landrover Owners Manual
-
Stage-2
Re: The New Landrover Owners Manual
Lachûh!
(koppelingcilinder ligt nog steeds in Birmingham)
cheerz, Mo
1984 Land Rover 110 (powered by Nissan FD35T) VERKOCHT
1976 Magirus-Deutz 170D12
[birgidenmaurice.shareyourstory.nl]
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(koppelingcilinder ligt nog steeds in Birmingham)
cheerz, Mo
1984 Land Rover 110 (powered by Nissan FD35T) VERKOCHT
1976 Magirus-Deutz 170D12
[birgidenmaurice.shareyourstory.nl]
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-
bowy
Re: The New Landrover Owners Manual
PART 1 of PART 2 - I really have got to get a bloody life you know!
DRIVER CONTROLS and MAINTENANCE TIPS
1.Steering
Situated in front of the driver is a big round thing (or not so big round thing if an aftermarket model is fitted) this is the steering wheel. In theory, steering inputs from the driver are transmitted to the front wheels and they turn accordingly. Well, sometimes. Between the steering wheel and the road wheel are lots of hydraulic and mechanical bits that will do everything they possibly can to negate driver inputs from being fully reproduced at the road wheels.
The first of these bits are the universal joints on the steering column situated in the engine bay. Now given that they are teeny weeny little things, one would think that a little bit of free play wouldn’t be all that bad. WRONG. These buggers were designed by a numpty who didn’t believe that lubrication between moving metal parts was particularly necessary. As a consequence, if you have half a turn lock before your road wheels move, change the buggers. One word of caution, having changed the buggers, when test driving said vehicle please, please, please remember that the odds are that you no longer have half a turn of steering lock free play. Why? ‘cos adrenaline really is brown and smelly. Oh and the road signs on the roundabout on the A69 come off significantly worse when hit by 2 tonne of Landrover, and it upsets plod, the Highways agency and your insurance company. In addition, it buggers up your street cred.
Next in line is the steering box. Now this is a hydraulic system, that is, it runs on hydraulic OIL (not antifreeze or engine oil, no I’m not joking!). Now this is fantastically slippery stuff, very good at what it does, when it is kept in it’s correct place. Let it have its freedom and life gets interesting. It is very good at escaping, but it does tend to prevent the drivers side front chassis from turning to ferrous and ferric oxides. It smells nice too and it is a very pretty colour. This goop is, in theory, kept in place by oil seals (beware the blue box syndrome…). In practice it tends not to stay put for too long, so if it stops dripping off the steering drop arm, put some more in the reservoir, where it will also leak out from the 20p budget Jubilee clip at the base of the reservoir to steering box pipe. Cable ties are not a good replacement for these clips. Neither is a teaspoon of brake fluid a good temporary fix for cattle trucked seals. Short term they swell and stop leaking, long term they turn to black snot and all the oil escapes in one go, most of it seems to end up on the brake discs (for the consequences of this, see the bit about the road signs on the A69), when this occurs, the phrase “Smell it madam? I was sitting in it!” is particularly apt. Then you crash and burn and die.
This leads nicely to the steering drop arm and its ball joint. Well, where do we start? Cheap arms have ball joints made of mercury. Designed by the same person who did the steering column UJ’s, so still no lube. Now when the ball joint gives up the ghost (if it came in a blue box, that will be quicker than you thought, much, much quicker, like shortly after you tighten the nut) the resulting vibes thro the steering wheel are worthy of something sourced from an Anne Summers shop. Oh, and it puts road signs at risk ‘cos you need all 4 lanes of a motorway to go in a straight line. Replacing the said ball is possible with the arm attached to box, helps if one has a good (read very expensive) hydraulic puller, but can be done. Afterwards, you will not only have fixed your truck, but you will also have extended your wife/children/neighbours vocabulary of colourful phrases and words. Much easier to take it off, not. Now to quantify this last statement, it is marginally less difficult to remove the arm and box as a unit, if one is equipped with three arms long enough to make a Gibbon jealous, oh and forearms like the terminators thighs. Universal joints on each finger are also beneficial, mind you when you drop the box and arm on your left hand the universal joints come courtesy of your local friendly orthopaedic surgeon.
Removal of the drop arm, according to the dyslexic/schizophrenic and generally incomprehensible Mr. Haynes is “straightforward”. Well b@llocks to that statement, since when did the Oxford English Dictionary define straightforward as “complete tw*t”?. Easy if one has or can beg steal or borrow the requisite puller. Over the years a number of simpler methods (read cheaper) have been used, all have their pros and cons.
First up is the judicious use of Landrover Tool No.1, the fu@k off big hammer method. Pros : good at relieving tension, reasonably effective and exceptionally good at getting rid of the mud build up under your truck; Cons : keeps the local A&E dept busy, sumps, diff pans and drag links can and do suffer, not to mention bodywork and oil seals.
Second up is the really exciting, lets live dangerously ‘cos I’ve got lots of life insurance method. Loosen big nut (that is loosen, not remove, honest learn this bit off by heart) and drive around for a while till the vibes loosen the drop arm. Pros: can work with minimal damage; Cons: chances are nut will make a very rapid bid for freedom, arm will drop off you will crash and burn and die. Not recommended, rather use Landrover tool No.1.
Finally, the pyromaniac/mass destruction method, this is potentially the most spectacularly fun but expensive method. This involves the use of a gas axe and/or an angle grinder and has no Pros. Cons: probably gonna need a new truck, ‘cos man these things really burn well. Angle grinders are even more fun, the spectacular clouds of white hot metal particles simply love your wiring loom and the numerous oil leaks… And the fumes from fire extinguishers get you stoned and give you the sh*ts, so you don't care that you've just accidently torched your truck!
The final bits of the steering system are the drag control arms/links/sumo/dan bars, call ‘em what you will, to which the steering damper is more or less attached. These get bent and beaten and generally abused, as their designer quite obviously photocopied the design in reverse. I mean, what the hell was he smoking when he had the epiphany that resulted in putting puny little bits of tube that link the wheels together IN FRONT OF THE BLOODY AXLE. Then he had the cheek to fit track rod ends designed by the half-wit who didn’t believe in lubrication…
So having established that the steering system on your Landrover was designed by idiots, probably installed by idiots, it’s a bit of a miracle really that the road wheels turn when you turn the steering wheel. You see children, here is real living proof that God exists. Therefore, Landrovers are truly a divine, in the truest meaning of the word, invention, that’s why you love ‘em.
A note of caution on turning circles. Depending on the width, diameter and profile of you tyres, your Landrover will either have the turning circle of a London Taxi or that of Pluto’s (the former planet) orbit around the Sun. Do not complain to us if it is the latter ‘cos you fitted the bloody tyres.
2. LEVERS, KNOBS, SWITCHES, BUTTONS AND PEDALS
Depending on the age of your Landrover there may be lots of knobs, levers, switches and buttons. Drivers of early Series vehicles and P38 Range Rovers may skip this section as, in the case of the former, there were not any fitted and in the case of the latter there were shed loads fitted, but none of them worked properly anyway.
LEVERS
There are two main levers in your Landrover, unless you have an automatic – if this is the case, you are an idle toad, so learn to use a manual box. The long one allows you to attempt to select the gear of your choice, most of the time. However just because you have selected a given gear, your Landrovers gearbox may disagree with your choice and throw it’s toys out of the pram as it has decided it wishes to remain neutral in the war against inertia/momentum. This will generally occur whilst trying a very steep hill ascent/descent. We added this feature to the gearboxes as we at Landrover now sell a range of Teflon coated underwear as part of our cool clothing range.
The second, shorter lever, allows you (sometimes) to select the range of gear ratios (High range and Low Range). It may also allow you to engage the centre differential lock. A note is needed here for Discovery drivers; the short lever really does have another function other than as a handbag holder, try using it occasionally.
Low Range is very useful in the UK when motorway driving, (NB people who use the M25 on a regular basis would do well to consider fitting a reduction drive to give an even lower low range). Oh and it is quite useful when offroad driving (again, Discovery drivers should take note that offroad driving does not mean parking on the pavement when dropping the offspring off at their place of education).
The Differential lock, is to most Landrover drivers, superfluous, we added this because we like to give people a choice. It does have its uses in real life though. One of the commonest uses is to allow you to turn your four-wheel drive vehicle into a fully functional two-wheel drive vehicle. As we fitted axles with half shafts made out of copper pipe, it is not unusual for an axle to expire big time, again usually on steep hill ascents/descents, hence the addition of a difflock. Have you seen our range of Teflon underwear? We do boxers, y-fronts and for the seriously kinky, g-strings and speedos.
There is a smaller lever fitted by the drivers foot, this is the Parking brake, pull it up to slow down the inevitable creep when parked on hills, and push it down to disengage it. Says what it does on the tin really. Most of the time.
KNOBS and STALKS
This section does not refer to the drivers of Chelsea Tractors who used to buy cans of spray on mud from accessory shops such as Scrapiron.
The main knobs/stalks associated with Landrovers tend to work potentially useful bits of kit. Unfortunately, whilst the knobs are fantastic in both quality and function, the bits of kit they work (again P38 owners can ignore this section) tend to be crap. Sh*t happens.
The most useful and entertaining knobs/stalks are for the Windscreen Wipers and Washers. Pull the stalk up one click for slow and two clicks for fast. However somewhere in the design process, we forgot to tell the wiper motor this rather useful fact so the speed at which they function is entirely random and unpredictable. As a consequence, employing a small child in thermals and waterproofs (also available from our cool clothing collection) to sit on the bonnet with a cloth is infinitely more effective, however as this does not comply with British Use and Construction regulations, it is a Rest of World option, only.
For UK owners we heartily recommend the Landrover Squint, that is one of the reasons our drivers seats do not adjust backwards – it allows the driver to get his head within 5mm of the windscreen during periods of wet weather without straining back and neck muscles.
If you press the end of the wiper stalk inwards, this may activate the washer system. Activation and efficacy of the washer system is entirely arbitrary and subject to strict temperature limitations. Again, Rest of World spec vehicles have a small child to perform this function (see note above with regards to Use and Construction Regs in the UK, and also our range of thermal outerwear available from our clothing collection). The washer jets, situated on the front bulkhead, are a work of pure genius ( should read as too much Guiness). We designed and positioned them in an attempt to achieve absolute zero (that is -273Kelvin, or pretty damn chilly to none scientific owners). We deliberately positioned them so that at any temperature below 0C they instantly freeze solid. This was done purely in the interest of road safety – if its that cold outside you do not wanna be driving.
A none-Landrover approved accessory may rectify this minor problem. The squirty bottle of de-icer, however if one is not blessed with Gibbon like arms, you will only be able to de-ice the bit of screen next to the A-pillar, and with models fitted with a high level air intake you are, well, just buggered, so stay at home.
Below the wiper stalk is the Fog Lamp Warning stalk (commonly referred to as the “lets blind the bas*tard behind me light”). This one is easy, push it down to switch it on and up for off. This light is mostly used during periods when visibility is measured in tens of miles, so please do not, under any circumstances, use it during periods of poor visibility, as it will only confuse other road users.
The stalk opposite the Wiper stalk (on the steering column) is the Direction Indicator Stalk/Horn/Dip Switch and Flasher. In theory, pushing it down causes the left hand side indicators lights to flash, whilst, conversely, pulling it up causes the right hand lights to flash. In theory. Depending on your vehicle specification (and how many competent/incompetent owners or garages have had their grubby little mitts on it), this may not actually be what happens. In reality, activating this stalk may result in any or all of the following happening individually or all at once:
1. the indicators function as per design, unlikely, but not improbable.
2. the side light(s) may flash in unison at the front, whilst at the back the brake lights and running lights may join in the fun.
3. the headlights may also feel left out and join in flashing.
4. any combination or permutation of the above.
5. sweet bugger all happens
Push this stalk towards the floor, and if you are lucky, main beam on the headlights might just come on. Press the end of the stalk inwards and the horn will be sounded. A note about Landrover horns. It may not be possible to hear the horn sounding whilst driving your vehicle as we fitted the quietist one we could find, that is because Landrover Plc do not wish to contribute to sound pollution. This horn works by giving a small, none damaging, electric shock to an ant that lives in metal box on the front grill, this causes the said critter to fart through a small trumpet, we think. Sh*t if you can’t hear a Landrover heading towards in the first place you are as deaf as a post so sounding the horn is a useless exercise anyway... The sound deadening we omitted to fit to your vehicle also helps prevent you hearing the horn above the cacophony of mechanical noise that emanate from your vehicle during normal use.
In addition to the horn, there is another, optional in all demographic markets, audible warning device of impending doom. It comes in a variety of sizes, shapes and colours and is generally fitted in the front passenger seat area. It has various names (she who must be obeyed, the missus, the girlfiend etc), this is probably the loudest warning device you will encounter. It is, generally, during times of fear/stress, louder than an English Electric Lightning on full combat thrust and afterburner. Ignore it at your peril.
Immediately below the Indicator Stalk is the Main lighting Switch (looks like a cross between a stalk and a switch to me, but hey what do I know, I just write this sh*t). This has three positions:
1. nominally off
2. side lights nominally on
3. dip beam nominally on
4. any combination or permutation of the above (including those for the indicator stalk).
5. sweet bugger all happens
As with the preceding paragraph which of these functions actually occurs is entirely random and arbitrary, you takes your chances, man. Whilst on the subject of headlights, we at Landrover cannot stress hard enough that one regularly feeds the Glowworms that reside in your headlights. Failure to do so will result in a minimum of light output and on a dark winter’s night you will crash, burn, and die a horrible death, all because you did not feed the headlamp critters, you have been warned.
DRIVER CONTROLS and MAINTENANCE TIPS
1.Steering
Situated in front of the driver is a big round thing (or not so big round thing if an aftermarket model is fitted) this is the steering wheel. In theory, steering inputs from the driver are transmitted to the front wheels and they turn accordingly. Well, sometimes. Between the steering wheel and the road wheel are lots of hydraulic and mechanical bits that will do everything they possibly can to negate driver inputs from being fully reproduced at the road wheels.
The first of these bits are the universal joints on the steering column situated in the engine bay. Now given that they are teeny weeny little things, one would think that a little bit of free play wouldn’t be all that bad. WRONG. These buggers were designed by a numpty who didn’t believe that lubrication between moving metal parts was particularly necessary. As a consequence, if you have half a turn lock before your road wheels move, change the buggers. One word of caution, having changed the buggers, when test driving said vehicle please, please, please remember that the odds are that you no longer have half a turn of steering lock free play. Why? ‘cos adrenaline really is brown and smelly. Oh and the road signs on the roundabout on the A69 come off significantly worse when hit by 2 tonne of Landrover, and it upsets plod, the Highways agency and your insurance company. In addition, it buggers up your street cred.
Next in line is the steering box. Now this is a hydraulic system, that is, it runs on hydraulic OIL (not antifreeze or engine oil, no I’m not joking!). Now this is fantastically slippery stuff, very good at what it does, when it is kept in it’s correct place. Let it have its freedom and life gets interesting. It is very good at escaping, but it does tend to prevent the drivers side front chassis from turning to ferrous and ferric oxides. It smells nice too and it is a very pretty colour. This goop is, in theory, kept in place by oil seals (beware the blue box syndrome…). In practice it tends not to stay put for too long, so if it stops dripping off the steering drop arm, put some more in the reservoir, where it will also leak out from the 20p budget Jubilee clip at the base of the reservoir to steering box pipe. Cable ties are not a good replacement for these clips. Neither is a teaspoon of brake fluid a good temporary fix for cattle trucked seals. Short term they swell and stop leaking, long term they turn to black snot and all the oil escapes in one go, most of it seems to end up on the brake discs (for the consequences of this, see the bit about the road signs on the A69), when this occurs, the phrase “Smell it madam? I was sitting in it!” is particularly apt. Then you crash and burn and die.
This leads nicely to the steering drop arm and its ball joint. Well, where do we start? Cheap arms have ball joints made of mercury. Designed by the same person who did the steering column UJ’s, so still no lube. Now when the ball joint gives up the ghost (if it came in a blue box, that will be quicker than you thought, much, much quicker, like shortly after you tighten the nut) the resulting vibes thro the steering wheel are worthy of something sourced from an Anne Summers shop. Oh, and it puts road signs at risk ‘cos you need all 4 lanes of a motorway to go in a straight line. Replacing the said ball is possible with the arm attached to box, helps if one has a good (read very expensive) hydraulic puller, but can be done. Afterwards, you will not only have fixed your truck, but you will also have extended your wife/children/neighbours vocabulary of colourful phrases and words. Much easier to take it off, not. Now to quantify this last statement, it is marginally less difficult to remove the arm and box as a unit, if one is equipped with three arms long enough to make a Gibbon jealous, oh and forearms like the terminators thighs. Universal joints on each finger are also beneficial, mind you when you drop the box and arm on your left hand the universal joints come courtesy of your local friendly orthopaedic surgeon.
Removal of the drop arm, according to the dyslexic/schizophrenic and generally incomprehensible Mr. Haynes is “straightforward”. Well b@llocks to that statement, since when did the Oxford English Dictionary define straightforward as “complete tw*t”?. Easy if one has or can beg steal or borrow the requisite puller. Over the years a number of simpler methods (read cheaper) have been used, all have their pros and cons.
First up is the judicious use of Landrover Tool No.1, the fu@k off big hammer method. Pros : good at relieving tension, reasonably effective and exceptionally good at getting rid of the mud build up under your truck; Cons : keeps the local A&E dept busy, sumps, diff pans and drag links can and do suffer, not to mention bodywork and oil seals.
Second up is the really exciting, lets live dangerously ‘cos I’ve got lots of life insurance method. Loosen big nut (that is loosen, not remove, honest learn this bit off by heart) and drive around for a while till the vibes loosen the drop arm. Pros: can work with minimal damage; Cons: chances are nut will make a very rapid bid for freedom, arm will drop off you will crash and burn and die. Not recommended, rather use Landrover tool No.1.
Finally, the pyromaniac/mass destruction method, this is potentially the most spectacularly fun but expensive method. This involves the use of a gas axe and/or an angle grinder and has no Pros. Cons: probably gonna need a new truck, ‘cos man these things really burn well. Angle grinders are even more fun, the spectacular clouds of white hot metal particles simply love your wiring loom and the numerous oil leaks… And the fumes from fire extinguishers get you stoned and give you the sh*ts, so you don't care that you've just accidently torched your truck!
The final bits of the steering system are the drag control arms/links/sumo/dan bars, call ‘em what you will, to which the steering damper is more or less attached. These get bent and beaten and generally abused, as their designer quite obviously photocopied the design in reverse. I mean, what the hell was he smoking when he had the epiphany that resulted in putting puny little bits of tube that link the wheels together IN FRONT OF THE BLOODY AXLE. Then he had the cheek to fit track rod ends designed by the half-wit who didn’t believe in lubrication…
So having established that the steering system on your Landrover was designed by idiots, probably installed by idiots, it’s a bit of a miracle really that the road wheels turn when you turn the steering wheel. You see children, here is real living proof that God exists. Therefore, Landrovers are truly a divine, in the truest meaning of the word, invention, that’s why you love ‘em.
A note of caution on turning circles. Depending on the width, diameter and profile of you tyres, your Landrover will either have the turning circle of a London Taxi or that of Pluto’s (the former planet) orbit around the Sun. Do not complain to us if it is the latter ‘cos you fitted the bloody tyres.
2. LEVERS, KNOBS, SWITCHES, BUTTONS AND PEDALS
Depending on the age of your Landrover there may be lots of knobs, levers, switches and buttons. Drivers of early Series vehicles and P38 Range Rovers may skip this section as, in the case of the former, there were not any fitted and in the case of the latter there were shed loads fitted, but none of them worked properly anyway.
LEVERS
There are two main levers in your Landrover, unless you have an automatic – if this is the case, you are an idle toad, so learn to use a manual box. The long one allows you to attempt to select the gear of your choice, most of the time. However just because you have selected a given gear, your Landrovers gearbox may disagree with your choice and throw it’s toys out of the pram as it has decided it wishes to remain neutral in the war against inertia/momentum. This will generally occur whilst trying a very steep hill ascent/descent. We added this feature to the gearboxes as we at Landrover now sell a range of Teflon coated underwear as part of our cool clothing range.
The second, shorter lever, allows you (sometimes) to select the range of gear ratios (High range and Low Range). It may also allow you to engage the centre differential lock. A note is needed here for Discovery drivers; the short lever really does have another function other than as a handbag holder, try using it occasionally.
Low Range is very useful in the UK when motorway driving, (NB people who use the M25 on a regular basis would do well to consider fitting a reduction drive to give an even lower low range). Oh and it is quite useful when offroad driving (again, Discovery drivers should take note that offroad driving does not mean parking on the pavement when dropping the offspring off at their place of education).
The Differential lock, is to most Landrover drivers, superfluous, we added this because we like to give people a choice. It does have its uses in real life though. One of the commonest uses is to allow you to turn your four-wheel drive vehicle into a fully functional two-wheel drive vehicle. As we fitted axles with half shafts made out of copper pipe, it is not unusual for an axle to expire big time, again usually on steep hill ascents/descents, hence the addition of a difflock. Have you seen our range of Teflon underwear? We do boxers, y-fronts and for the seriously kinky, g-strings and speedos.
There is a smaller lever fitted by the drivers foot, this is the Parking brake, pull it up to slow down the inevitable creep when parked on hills, and push it down to disengage it. Says what it does on the tin really. Most of the time.
KNOBS and STALKS
This section does not refer to the drivers of Chelsea Tractors who used to buy cans of spray on mud from accessory shops such as Scrapiron.
The main knobs/stalks associated with Landrovers tend to work potentially useful bits of kit. Unfortunately, whilst the knobs are fantastic in both quality and function, the bits of kit they work (again P38 owners can ignore this section) tend to be crap. Sh*t happens.
The most useful and entertaining knobs/stalks are for the Windscreen Wipers and Washers. Pull the stalk up one click for slow and two clicks for fast. However somewhere in the design process, we forgot to tell the wiper motor this rather useful fact so the speed at which they function is entirely random and unpredictable. As a consequence, employing a small child in thermals and waterproofs (also available from our cool clothing collection) to sit on the bonnet with a cloth is infinitely more effective, however as this does not comply with British Use and Construction regulations, it is a Rest of World option, only.
For UK owners we heartily recommend the Landrover Squint, that is one of the reasons our drivers seats do not adjust backwards – it allows the driver to get his head within 5mm of the windscreen during periods of wet weather without straining back and neck muscles.
If you press the end of the wiper stalk inwards, this may activate the washer system. Activation and efficacy of the washer system is entirely arbitrary and subject to strict temperature limitations. Again, Rest of World spec vehicles have a small child to perform this function (see note above with regards to Use and Construction Regs in the UK, and also our range of thermal outerwear available from our clothing collection). The washer jets, situated on the front bulkhead, are a work of pure genius ( should read as too much Guiness). We designed and positioned them in an attempt to achieve absolute zero (that is -273Kelvin, or pretty damn chilly to none scientific owners). We deliberately positioned them so that at any temperature below 0C they instantly freeze solid. This was done purely in the interest of road safety – if its that cold outside you do not wanna be driving.
A none-Landrover approved accessory may rectify this minor problem. The squirty bottle of de-icer, however if one is not blessed with Gibbon like arms, you will only be able to de-ice the bit of screen next to the A-pillar, and with models fitted with a high level air intake you are, well, just buggered, so stay at home.
Below the wiper stalk is the Fog Lamp Warning stalk (commonly referred to as the “lets blind the bas*tard behind me light”). This one is easy, push it down to switch it on and up for off. This light is mostly used during periods when visibility is measured in tens of miles, so please do not, under any circumstances, use it during periods of poor visibility, as it will only confuse other road users.
The stalk opposite the Wiper stalk (on the steering column) is the Direction Indicator Stalk/Horn/Dip Switch and Flasher. In theory, pushing it down causes the left hand side indicators lights to flash, whilst, conversely, pulling it up causes the right hand lights to flash. In theory. Depending on your vehicle specification (and how many competent/incompetent owners or garages have had their grubby little mitts on it), this may not actually be what happens. In reality, activating this stalk may result in any or all of the following happening individually or all at once:
1. the indicators function as per design, unlikely, but not improbable.
2. the side light(s) may flash in unison at the front, whilst at the back the brake lights and running lights may join in the fun.
3. the headlights may also feel left out and join in flashing.
4. any combination or permutation of the above.
5. sweet bugger all happens
Push this stalk towards the floor, and if you are lucky, main beam on the headlights might just come on. Press the end of the stalk inwards and the horn will be sounded. A note about Landrover horns. It may not be possible to hear the horn sounding whilst driving your vehicle as we fitted the quietist one we could find, that is because Landrover Plc do not wish to contribute to sound pollution. This horn works by giving a small, none damaging, electric shock to an ant that lives in metal box on the front grill, this causes the said critter to fart through a small trumpet, we think. Sh*t if you can’t hear a Landrover heading towards in the first place you are as deaf as a post so sounding the horn is a useless exercise anyway... The sound deadening we omitted to fit to your vehicle also helps prevent you hearing the horn above the cacophony of mechanical noise that emanate from your vehicle during normal use.
In addition to the horn, there is another, optional in all demographic markets, audible warning device of impending doom. It comes in a variety of sizes, shapes and colours and is generally fitted in the front passenger seat area. It has various names (she who must be obeyed, the missus, the girlfiend etc), this is probably the loudest warning device you will encounter. It is, generally, during times of fear/stress, louder than an English Electric Lightning on full combat thrust and afterburner. Ignore it at your peril.
Immediately below the Indicator Stalk is the Main lighting Switch (looks like a cross between a stalk and a switch to me, but hey what do I know, I just write this sh*t). This has three positions:
1. nominally off
2. side lights nominally on
3. dip beam nominally on
4. any combination or permutation of the above (including those for the indicator stalk).
5. sweet bugger all happens
As with the preceding paragraph which of these functions actually occurs is entirely random and arbitrary, you takes your chances, man. Whilst on the subject of headlights, we at Landrover cannot stress hard enough that one regularly feeds the Glowworms that reside in your headlights. Failure to do so will result in a minimum of light output and on a dark winter’s night you will crash, burn, and die a horrible death, all because you did not feed the headlamp critters, you have been warned.
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Beaub
Re: The New Landrover Owners Manual
Duidelijk een gevalletje tijd te veel, of nog high van die verfdampen!
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Aluhok
Re: The New Landrover Owners Manual
Geen woord van gelogen, maar dat maakt het ook allemaal leuk natuurlijk
Michel
Michel
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bowy
Re: The New Landrover Owners Manual
Part 3
SWITCHES AND BUTTONS
Depending on the age and history of your vehicle, you may have lots of switches and buttons, but don’t worry few will work as they should (again this statement is for P38 owners). Most Landrover sourced switches and buttons should have a sell by or use by date impressed on them, but they don’t cos that would have cost more. This is because we bought the cheapest we could find on the parts market. It also means that the mark up is phenomenal, and because they break with such regularity, you buy lots of them.
The most important switch fitted to your vehicle is the Hazard Warning Light Switch (aka the “I’m illegally parked lights” switch). Now this little bugger is an absolute triumph of p*ss poor design over function. Given the propensity for breakdowns associated with all of our products, we thought that this switch would have to be as unreliable as was humanly possible. It (and its attendant relay) is such an integral part of the wiring system of your vehicle that when they go wrong the mayhem this results in is of Biblical proportions. In theory, pressing this switch results in all four-indicator lights flashing at the same time and frequency. In practice this is not necessarily what will happen. To be honest, anything can happen and does. In reality, the hazard lights main purpose in life is to help the recovery truck driver locate your vehicle.
The Use and Construction Regulations state that there is a repeater light that flashes with the Hazard lights, this is to let the driver and other road users know that the vehicle is illegally parked, sorry that should read the vehicle has broken down and is a hazard to other road users. We decided, early on in the design process to place this switch in just about the most inaccessible position possible, this is to ensure that it is only used in emergencies as it takes about half an hour to find the wretched thing. Because of this, it is not unusual to see Landrovers driving merrily on their way with the hazard lights flashing away and the driver blissfully unaware. Why does this happen?, because we put the switch in such a position that it is impossible to see the repeater lamp built into the switch, it also gives you something to do whilst awaiting recovery. It is also entirely possible that this effect has something to do with the indicator stalk and it’s associated wiring (see section above “KNOBS and STALKS”)
Next to the Hazard light switch is the interior light/instrument panel illumination switch. Why this switch exists is totally beyond comprehension, other than we bought a job lot that wouldn’t fit in any other vehicle. We like to give owners lots of choices. More knobs and buttons to play with equal better value for money.
The Heated Rear Window switch also hides next to the other two switches. This is almost self-explanatory, unless you were too tight to have ticked the options box when you bought the vehicle, but hey, that’s not our problem. We decided to booby trap later vehicles with a financial time bomb that is associated with the heated rear window. It is known by the name of the Voltage Sensitive Switch. This horrendously expensive, small yellow box is cunningly hidden behind the dashboard where you can’t see it ( for what a new one costs it should actually be fluorescent yellow and bolted to the top of the dash in full view and all it’s splendour, but like I said that ain’t my decision, I just write the manuals). Therefore, you don’t know it exists, till it breaks. Now this wonderful piece of kit stops you flattening your battery by leaving the heated window on without the engine running, until it breaks and doesn’t.
Other switches
If your vehicle is more than a 12 month old and has more than one owner, the chances are great that other, none standard, switches will be fitted. These will vary in quantity, quality and type according to the predilections of the previous owner(s).
Precisely what function these switches perform is your problem, not ours. Some may be labelled (normally by an innumerate dyslexic 3 year old) and actually give you a hint as to their function, but the majority will be happy to remain anonymous. They will be integrated into the wiring loom by every method known to humankind, but by far the commonest is the “twist the copper wires together and wrap them in Sellotape” method. Now this generally results in the escape of all the vehicles electricity, and large bills.
Many happy hours will be spent turning them on and off to see what they do, most will not actually do anything cos the accessory they were installed to activate was taken out long before you actually bought the vehicle, but like I said, that’s your problem not ours.
There is an advantage to these switches, given the current price of scrap copper, removing them and their associated wiring will give you a better return on your investment than your current pension plans, not only that, the weight saving will improve your fuel economy. Quids in, both ways really.
HEATER CONTROLS AND VENTILATION
Arguably the best example of an oxymoron known in British Literature. Sublime in their inefficiency and stupidity of design, a true design classic. NB Puma owners can disregard this section as they have more money than sense, after all if it sounds like a Transit Van, it is a Transit Van. In addition, Series owners can merely dream on. Discovery/P38 owners can skip this bit as although a very efficient heater is fitted to your vehicle, the associated switches wiring and ECU’s will simply give up the ghost shortly after the vehicle leaves the factory, or in some cases before.
The Heater controls are situated both sides of the Instrument binnacle and consist of three levers with knobs on the end. They are physically attached to the actual heater unit by bits of very stretch metallic looking string, one again, in theory.
Fan Speed Control
We are not sure if the word “control” is the best word to use here, but as we couldn’t find a suitable alternative, it will have to do. The lever on the left may control fan speed, the two on the right may control airflow direction and temperature. Possibly. The fan- speed control lever appears to have three positions, but as we all know by now, appearances can be deceptive:
Position 1 Fully Up – theoretically this is the Off position, but with most Landrovers, unless one is blessed with the strength of Hercules, it impossible to get the lever to move to this point,. Unless, that is, one inhabits an alternative quantum dimension.
Position 2 Half Way Up - (if one is an optimist, and, having bought one of our products, you really need to be) or Half Way Down (if one is a pessimist or previously owned a P38). Once again, the design theory would suggest that this position is slow speed. It is, however, only a suggestion; remember there are no guarantees in life or with Landrover driver controls…
Position 3 Fully Down – Fast Speed. Says what it does on the tin (see caveat below).
Now we need to add a small, but vitally important caveat on the word speed. As Albert Einstein said, all things are relative, this is eminently applicable to fan speed on Landrover Heaters. The two main speeds, fast and slow, may not vary by much. But we can assure you that slow speed is slower than the fast speed, perhaps not by much admittedly, but they are different.
Once again the fan speed, in theory, dictates the airflow rate that comes out of the heater vents. The actual flow rate is, in reality, greatly dependant on a number of factors. Some of which are dealt with in the next section. And some we are just gonna ignore, cos we are as baffled as you are as to how the bloody system works/don’t work and to be brutally honest, you are reading something written by someone who just don’t give a sh*t.
Airflow rate is completely arbitrary. At its highest setting it may be similar to the velocities recorded from Hurricane Katrina, but then again it is more likely to be similar to that of the final exhalation of an emphysemic asthmatic hamster with one lung who smoked 100 Woodbines per day. Ditto its lowest setting.
Temperature and Airflow Direction
As with all things associated with our products, the following section is purely theoretical, in that what we say will happen is not necessarily what will happen on your particular vehicle, you have been warned…
Temperature Control
This lever is the innermost one on the right hand side of the instrument panel. Once again it appears to have two distinct positions:
Fully up – could mean Cold
Fully down – could mean less cold
Anywhere in between these two settings should result in a progressive change in temperature, the operative word being “should”. In reality the air temperature that emanates from the heater vents is completely random in action. This is entirely due to how the system works.
At Landrover we assemble our vehicles using whatever parts we have to hand at the time, this was how the heater came to be. The actual heater unit is, actually, quite effective when new (i.e. at least until after the first time a dealer changes the water/antifreeze/sludge and various corrosion products that serve as a coolant). Unfortunately the temp controls are attached to the heater unit using bits of metallic string. We searched long and hard for a metallic string that had the correct (high) degree of elasticity and finally settled on the same metallic string that we originally used for the Austin Maxi gear change (younger owners may wish to ask an adult what this refers to). This stuff is just about the stretchiest string known to mankind; it is indeed stretchier than a stretchy thing. The result is that you can fiddle with the lever till your little heart’s content, but the results will still be the same, random heat output. Live with it, after all you bought it.
By far the easiest and most effective way to adjust the temperature setting within your vehicle is to set it to the nominally hot setting then open the windows/dash vents until the correct internal temperature is achieved. If you have difficulty achieving a high enough internal temp during the winter months, have you considered our range of thermal underwear available through all good Landrover dealers?
It must be stated that the heating system in our products is ONLY for the benefit of those in the front of the vehicle, those in the second row seats are an irrelevance, if they die of hypothermia in the winter, well, that’s your problem, not ours. You should have bought the Landrover range of thermals available from all good dealers…
Airflow Direction
Now this was one of our eureka moments. The lever that controls airflow direction is the outermost on the right hand side of the instrument panel. It has three settings (told you we liked to give our customers a choice), once again we used the stretchy string stuff to attach this lever to the direction control flaps buried deep in the heater box and bulkhead:
Fully up – demisting.
Where do we start with this one then? Now with the temp setting at less cold and the airflow direction set to demist, please use a decent shammy leather to remove excess water from the inside of the windscreen, available from our extensive accessory collection (for those of you lucky enough to have a heated windscreen, please ignore this bit). If one is not in a particular hurry, the demister function will eventually clear a small portion of the lower windscreen, however after a few years of driving like this, one rapidly develops physical characteristics that preclude one from visiting Notre Dame Cathedral due to crowds of locals lobbing rocks at one. It also pays to learn (in French of course) the phrase “I AM NOT AN ANIMAL”, this is in Appendix 1 at the end of this manual…
We could not be arsed to include the side windows in the demist function, after all if you are driving forward, why the hell do you need to look out of the bloody side windows anyway? If you are going backwards, intentionally that is (see section above on gear levers), wind the bloody window down like everyone else…See, more driver choice.
If you are very lucky, the hot (ish) air that comes out of the demister vents may just be warm enough to prevent facial frostbite occurring during the winter months, unlikely, but not entirely impossible. Have you seen the stylish Balaclavas available from our super cool, Landrover branded, clothing collection?
Half Way up/down
Might just Split the airflow between the windscreen (hahahahah) and the foot wells.
Fully Down
All the airflow goes to the foot wells, in the winter one has lovely toasty tootsies due to the close proximity of the exhaust and transfer box radiating heat through the body work. In the summer one also has lovely toasty tootsies due to the close proximity of the exhaust and transfer box radiating heat through the body work. The airflow from the vents is in no way, shape or form related to the temperature found in the foot wells, neither is the temperature setting selected by the driver.
We, at Landrover, designed the heating system to be fully multifunctional. When stuck in traffic it acts (possibly, depending on user settings and random events) as an auxiliary engine cooling device, next time you are having a picnic (sorry driving) on the British linear car park system (motorways for our foreign brethren) look out of your windows at your fellow Landrover drivers, they are easy to spot, they are the ones who have every window open and are stripped down to their skivvies suffering from heat stroke, their vehicles are surrounded by a heat haze that makes the Sun look like an ice box, this is the auxiliary engine cooling system operating at peak efficiency.
AIR Conditioning (AKA Aircon, with the emphasis on CON)
A quick note is required here to account for Aircon. The more upmarket vehicles in our range (again, P38 owners may omit this section as Air-conditioning will be fitted, but it won’t work) have a rather good Aircon system that works, most of the time. Series owners, on the other hand, don’t. Defenders (we are using this as a generic term) may or may not have such a system fitted. If it is fitted, we can tell you now, you wasted your money ticking that option box, pal. Why? For aircon to work effectively it needs a sealed environment, sh*t man, have you seen the panel gaps around the doors on a Defender? Nuff said.
BONNET RELEASE
As this is not a lever, knob, button nor a switch so we decided to put it here.
On early models, the bonnet release was accessed from outside the car and did what it said on the box. On later models we decided that it would be accessed from inside the vehicle, ‘cos we are nice like that.
The release handle is situated somewhere in the deepest recesses of the driver’s side foot well and looks a bit like an umbrella handle. If one pulls it hard, more of that lovely stretchy string we so value at Landrover disengages the bonnet lock (situated at the front of the bonnet, stupid, where else would it be?), well sometimes it does. More often it doesn’t.
More often than not sweet bugger all happens as the internal stretchy string has, well, stretched, to the point that there is approximately 2 foot of slack to take up. The result is that the bonnet remains resolutely shut. Period. Alternatively the outer cable, in which the stretched string runs, detaches itself from the little springy clip thingies that, in theory, stop it from flopping about resulting in, yes you’ve guessed haven’t you, the bonnet remains resolutely shut.
At this point, some folks just mutter and walk away to find a hammer and cold steel chisel to open the bonnet using the brute strength and ignorance technique, now we at Landrover body panels fully approve of this method as bonnets have one hell of a mark up…. However, the intelligent, cheaper and more effective method is to exit the said vehicle and reach in thro the slats of the radiator grill until one finds the said two foot of slack stretchy string and give it a bloody good yank. Bonnet will pop open a treat. Now the only problem is that it will now not close properly, as the spring in the bonnet lock is either clogged with off road detritus, too weak, or does not have the length of travel available to take up the two foot length of slack…. If the vehicle is to remain stationary for a long period of time (which is probable given the way they break down with unexplainable/irreparable/ temporary faults inherent in all our vehicles) this is not a major problem.
However, should you chose to use the said vehicle, then you must feed the excess cable back through so that the bonnet lock will engage. Either that, or you take the risk that the anti burst lock will stop the bonnet from flying up and obscuring all forward vision causing you to crash and burn and die, the choice after all is yours. The rest of the World option (mentioned in the windscreen washer section) of using a small child to weight down the bonnet is effective, but the screams that emanate at motorway speeds can be somewhat intrusive….
FOOT PEDALS
Situated in the drivers foot well are a number of pedals. The exact number depends on what type of vehicle you have bought from us.
If there are only two, then you have either bought an automatic, in which case you are an idle git and should learn to drive properly using a manual gearbox, like real men do. OR, you have bought an absolute dog which is missing a few bits, again, not our problem. For auto boxes, one pedal makes it go, press down, and one makes it stop, again press down. Easy ain’t it.
For real men, you will find three pedals:
1. The one on the left if pressed down may or may not retard forward motion. The degree of retardation should be directly proportional to how hard you press down, press down too hard and you will generate huge plumes of tyre smoke and crash into the obstacle in front of you; this is called the “all locked up with nowhere to go” situation, or the “I was changing the CD/Brushing my hair/ sending a text/ Undue Care and Attention” situation, similar to the preceding situation, you crash into the obstacle in front….
A word of warning about the spiffing high tech Anti Lock Braking (aka ABS) system we took to fitting to our vehicles. Read this bit and commit to memory. ABS allows you to steer around obstacles whilst braking hard, thus avoiding the “all locked up with nowhere to go”situation, it may slightly reduce braking distances, but that is not its primary function. Honest.
2. The Middle pedal. This may operate the clutch which disengages the engine from the transmission. But then again, busted gearboxes, prop shafts and diffs also have a similar effect, all be it more irreversible than using the pedal…
Like the brake pedal, this one has a progressive action, if you only push it down a little bit (called slipping the clutch) the drive is not completely disengaged, this function has its uses. You know you are overdoing it a wee bit when slipping the clutch results in clouds of acrid smoke and fumes filling the interior of the vehicle…
3. The Right Pedal (aka the go faster pedal or loud switch). This is arguably the most fun to use. On petrol models fitted with V8’s it is the most glorious piece of kit we ever devised; it is recommended that on these vehicles it is ONLY ever pressed firmly to the floor and in every gear, and f*ck the greenies, I mean, have you heard a V8 on full chat? Better than sex man, better than sex. For Diesel owners, well, get a life and a V8, as pressing this pedal to the floor will have a very limited effect on forward motion.
Now for most models, this pedal is attached to the carbs or fuel injection (don’t mention the oil burners; for God’s sake, oil is for central heating, not motor vehicles) by a piece of the same stretchy string that we use for all control cables, so the same caveats apply…However, some bright young thing in the design team came up with a really clever idea of dispensing with the stretchy string stuff altogether. Now this seemed to be a good idea at the time, he called it Fly by wire. The idea was that there would be no physical connection between the go faster bits attached to the engine and the pedal itself. Instead the degree of forward motion would be governed by electricity, who would believe that, I ask you…
The controller of this function (called a throttle potentiometer, I think) was placed in the foot well where it could get bathed in water and be smacked by the bits of cardboard we installed as interior trim, and as we all know, water and electricity were simply made for each other, not. The results can be hilarious, the go faster pedal becomes possessed by its own demons and simply does its own thing and sod what the driver wants.The only redeeming feature of this debacle is that is mainly fitted to 5 cylinder diesels, and as we all know, diesels don’t go fast enough to cause any real damage, besides they tend to go bang at about 100K miles, so problem solved. Still, as a technological exercise, it proved that we at Landrover are a forward thinking bunch…
SWITCHES AND BUTTONS
Depending on the age and history of your vehicle, you may have lots of switches and buttons, but don’t worry few will work as they should (again this statement is for P38 owners). Most Landrover sourced switches and buttons should have a sell by or use by date impressed on them, but they don’t cos that would have cost more. This is because we bought the cheapest we could find on the parts market. It also means that the mark up is phenomenal, and because they break with such regularity, you buy lots of them.
The most important switch fitted to your vehicle is the Hazard Warning Light Switch (aka the “I’m illegally parked lights” switch). Now this little bugger is an absolute triumph of p*ss poor design over function. Given the propensity for breakdowns associated with all of our products, we thought that this switch would have to be as unreliable as was humanly possible. It (and its attendant relay) is such an integral part of the wiring system of your vehicle that when they go wrong the mayhem this results in is of Biblical proportions. In theory, pressing this switch results in all four-indicator lights flashing at the same time and frequency. In practice this is not necessarily what will happen. To be honest, anything can happen and does. In reality, the hazard lights main purpose in life is to help the recovery truck driver locate your vehicle.
The Use and Construction Regulations state that there is a repeater light that flashes with the Hazard lights, this is to let the driver and other road users know that the vehicle is illegally parked, sorry that should read the vehicle has broken down and is a hazard to other road users. We decided, early on in the design process to place this switch in just about the most inaccessible position possible, this is to ensure that it is only used in emergencies as it takes about half an hour to find the wretched thing. Because of this, it is not unusual to see Landrovers driving merrily on their way with the hazard lights flashing away and the driver blissfully unaware. Why does this happen?, because we put the switch in such a position that it is impossible to see the repeater lamp built into the switch, it also gives you something to do whilst awaiting recovery. It is also entirely possible that this effect has something to do with the indicator stalk and it’s associated wiring (see section above “KNOBS and STALKS”)
Next to the Hazard light switch is the interior light/instrument panel illumination switch. Why this switch exists is totally beyond comprehension, other than we bought a job lot that wouldn’t fit in any other vehicle. We like to give owners lots of choices. More knobs and buttons to play with equal better value for money.
The Heated Rear Window switch also hides next to the other two switches. This is almost self-explanatory, unless you were too tight to have ticked the options box when you bought the vehicle, but hey, that’s not our problem. We decided to booby trap later vehicles with a financial time bomb that is associated with the heated rear window. It is known by the name of the Voltage Sensitive Switch. This horrendously expensive, small yellow box is cunningly hidden behind the dashboard where you can’t see it ( for what a new one costs it should actually be fluorescent yellow and bolted to the top of the dash in full view and all it’s splendour, but like I said that ain’t my decision, I just write the manuals). Therefore, you don’t know it exists, till it breaks. Now this wonderful piece of kit stops you flattening your battery by leaving the heated window on without the engine running, until it breaks and doesn’t.
Other switches
If your vehicle is more than a 12 month old and has more than one owner, the chances are great that other, none standard, switches will be fitted. These will vary in quantity, quality and type according to the predilections of the previous owner(s).
Precisely what function these switches perform is your problem, not ours. Some may be labelled (normally by an innumerate dyslexic 3 year old) and actually give you a hint as to their function, but the majority will be happy to remain anonymous. They will be integrated into the wiring loom by every method known to humankind, but by far the commonest is the “twist the copper wires together and wrap them in Sellotape” method. Now this generally results in the escape of all the vehicles electricity, and large bills.
Many happy hours will be spent turning them on and off to see what they do, most will not actually do anything cos the accessory they were installed to activate was taken out long before you actually bought the vehicle, but like I said, that’s your problem not ours.
There is an advantage to these switches, given the current price of scrap copper, removing them and their associated wiring will give you a better return on your investment than your current pension plans, not only that, the weight saving will improve your fuel economy. Quids in, both ways really.
HEATER CONTROLS AND VENTILATION
Arguably the best example of an oxymoron known in British Literature. Sublime in their inefficiency and stupidity of design, a true design classic. NB Puma owners can disregard this section as they have more money than sense, after all if it sounds like a Transit Van, it is a Transit Van. In addition, Series owners can merely dream on. Discovery/P38 owners can skip this bit as although a very efficient heater is fitted to your vehicle, the associated switches wiring and ECU’s will simply give up the ghost shortly after the vehicle leaves the factory, or in some cases before.
The Heater controls are situated both sides of the Instrument binnacle and consist of three levers with knobs on the end. They are physically attached to the actual heater unit by bits of very stretch metallic looking string, one again, in theory.
Fan Speed Control
We are not sure if the word “control” is the best word to use here, but as we couldn’t find a suitable alternative, it will have to do. The lever on the left may control fan speed, the two on the right may control airflow direction and temperature. Possibly. The fan- speed control lever appears to have three positions, but as we all know by now, appearances can be deceptive:
Position 1 Fully Up – theoretically this is the Off position, but with most Landrovers, unless one is blessed with the strength of Hercules, it impossible to get the lever to move to this point,. Unless, that is, one inhabits an alternative quantum dimension.
Position 2 Half Way Up - (if one is an optimist, and, having bought one of our products, you really need to be) or Half Way Down (if one is a pessimist or previously owned a P38). Once again, the design theory would suggest that this position is slow speed. It is, however, only a suggestion; remember there are no guarantees in life or with Landrover driver controls…
Position 3 Fully Down – Fast Speed. Says what it does on the tin (see caveat below).
Now we need to add a small, but vitally important caveat on the word speed. As Albert Einstein said, all things are relative, this is eminently applicable to fan speed on Landrover Heaters. The two main speeds, fast and slow, may not vary by much. But we can assure you that slow speed is slower than the fast speed, perhaps not by much admittedly, but they are different.
Once again the fan speed, in theory, dictates the airflow rate that comes out of the heater vents. The actual flow rate is, in reality, greatly dependant on a number of factors. Some of which are dealt with in the next section. And some we are just gonna ignore, cos we are as baffled as you are as to how the bloody system works/don’t work and to be brutally honest, you are reading something written by someone who just don’t give a sh*t.
Airflow rate is completely arbitrary. At its highest setting it may be similar to the velocities recorded from Hurricane Katrina, but then again it is more likely to be similar to that of the final exhalation of an emphysemic asthmatic hamster with one lung who smoked 100 Woodbines per day. Ditto its lowest setting.
Temperature and Airflow Direction
As with all things associated with our products, the following section is purely theoretical, in that what we say will happen is not necessarily what will happen on your particular vehicle, you have been warned…
Temperature Control
This lever is the innermost one on the right hand side of the instrument panel. Once again it appears to have two distinct positions:
Fully up – could mean Cold
Fully down – could mean less cold
Anywhere in between these two settings should result in a progressive change in temperature, the operative word being “should”. In reality the air temperature that emanates from the heater vents is completely random in action. This is entirely due to how the system works.
At Landrover we assemble our vehicles using whatever parts we have to hand at the time, this was how the heater came to be. The actual heater unit is, actually, quite effective when new (i.e. at least until after the first time a dealer changes the water/antifreeze/sludge and various corrosion products that serve as a coolant). Unfortunately the temp controls are attached to the heater unit using bits of metallic string. We searched long and hard for a metallic string that had the correct (high) degree of elasticity and finally settled on the same metallic string that we originally used for the Austin Maxi gear change (younger owners may wish to ask an adult what this refers to). This stuff is just about the stretchiest string known to mankind; it is indeed stretchier than a stretchy thing. The result is that you can fiddle with the lever till your little heart’s content, but the results will still be the same, random heat output. Live with it, after all you bought it.
By far the easiest and most effective way to adjust the temperature setting within your vehicle is to set it to the nominally hot setting then open the windows/dash vents until the correct internal temperature is achieved. If you have difficulty achieving a high enough internal temp during the winter months, have you considered our range of thermal underwear available through all good Landrover dealers?
It must be stated that the heating system in our products is ONLY for the benefit of those in the front of the vehicle, those in the second row seats are an irrelevance, if they die of hypothermia in the winter, well, that’s your problem, not ours. You should have bought the Landrover range of thermals available from all good dealers…
Airflow Direction
Now this was one of our eureka moments. The lever that controls airflow direction is the outermost on the right hand side of the instrument panel. It has three settings (told you we liked to give our customers a choice), once again we used the stretchy string stuff to attach this lever to the direction control flaps buried deep in the heater box and bulkhead:
Fully up – demisting.
Where do we start with this one then? Now with the temp setting at less cold and the airflow direction set to demist, please use a decent shammy leather to remove excess water from the inside of the windscreen, available from our extensive accessory collection (for those of you lucky enough to have a heated windscreen, please ignore this bit). If one is not in a particular hurry, the demister function will eventually clear a small portion of the lower windscreen, however after a few years of driving like this, one rapidly develops physical characteristics that preclude one from visiting Notre Dame Cathedral due to crowds of locals lobbing rocks at one. It also pays to learn (in French of course) the phrase “I AM NOT AN ANIMAL”, this is in Appendix 1 at the end of this manual…
We could not be arsed to include the side windows in the demist function, after all if you are driving forward, why the hell do you need to look out of the bloody side windows anyway? If you are going backwards, intentionally that is (see section above on gear levers), wind the bloody window down like everyone else…See, more driver choice.
If you are very lucky, the hot (ish) air that comes out of the demister vents may just be warm enough to prevent facial frostbite occurring during the winter months, unlikely, but not entirely impossible. Have you seen the stylish Balaclavas available from our super cool, Landrover branded, clothing collection?
Half Way up/down
Might just Split the airflow between the windscreen (hahahahah) and the foot wells.
Fully Down
All the airflow goes to the foot wells, in the winter one has lovely toasty tootsies due to the close proximity of the exhaust and transfer box radiating heat through the body work. In the summer one also has lovely toasty tootsies due to the close proximity of the exhaust and transfer box radiating heat through the body work. The airflow from the vents is in no way, shape or form related to the temperature found in the foot wells, neither is the temperature setting selected by the driver.
We, at Landrover, designed the heating system to be fully multifunctional. When stuck in traffic it acts (possibly, depending on user settings and random events) as an auxiliary engine cooling device, next time you are having a picnic (sorry driving) on the British linear car park system (motorways for our foreign brethren) look out of your windows at your fellow Landrover drivers, they are easy to spot, they are the ones who have every window open and are stripped down to their skivvies suffering from heat stroke, their vehicles are surrounded by a heat haze that makes the Sun look like an ice box, this is the auxiliary engine cooling system operating at peak efficiency.
AIR Conditioning (AKA Aircon, with the emphasis on CON)
A quick note is required here to account for Aircon. The more upmarket vehicles in our range (again, P38 owners may omit this section as Air-conditioning will be fitted, but it won’t work) have a rather good Aircon system that works, most of the time. Series owners, on the other hand, don’t. Defenders (we are using this as a generic term) may or may not have such a system fitted. If it is fitted, we can tell you now, you wasted your money ticking that option box, pal. Why? For aircon to work effectively it needs a sealed environment, sh*t man, have you seen the panel gaps around the doors on a Defender? Nuff said.
BONNET RELEASE
As this is not a lever, knob, button nor a switch so we decided to put it here.
On early models, the bonnet release was accessed from outside the car and did what it said on the box. On later models we decided that it would be accessed from inside the vehicle, ‘cos we are nice like that.
The release handle is situated somewhere in the deepest recesses of the driver’s side foot well and looks a bit like an umbrella handle. If one pulls it hard, more of that lovely stretchy string we so value at Landrover disengages the bonnet lock (situated at the front of the bonnet, stupid, where else would it be?), well sometimes it does. More often it doesn’t.
More often than not sweet bugger all happens as the internal stretchy string has, well, stretched, to the point that there is approximately 2 foot of slack to take up. The result is that the bonnet remains resolutely shut. Period. Alternatively the outer cable, in which the stretched string runs, detaches itself from the little springy clip thingies that, in theory, stop it from flopping about resulting in, yes you’ve guessed haven’t you, the bonnet remains resolutely shut.
At this point, some folks just mutter and walk away to find a hammer and cold steel chisel to open the bonnet using the brute strength and ignorance technique, now we at Landrover body panels fully approve of this method as bonnets have one hell of a mark up…. However, the intelligent, cheaper and more effective method is to exit the said vehicle and reach in thro the slats of the radiator grill until one finds the said two foot of slack stretchy string and give it a bloody good yank. Bonnet will pop open a treat. Now the only problem is that it will now not close properly, as the spring in the bonnet lock is either clogged with off road detritus, too weak, or does not have the length of travel available to take up the two foot length of slack…. If the vehicle is to remain stationary for a long period of time (which is probable given the way they break down with unexplainable/irreparable/ temporary faults inherent in all our vehicles) this is not a major problem.
However, should you chose to use the said vehicle, then you must feed the excess cable back through so that the bonnet lock will engage. Either that, or you take the risk that the anti burst lock will stop the bonnet from flying up and obscuring all forward vision causing you to crash and burn and die, the choice after all is yours. The rest of the World option (mentioned in the windscreen washer section) of using a small child to weight down the bonnet is effective, but the screams that emanate at motorway speeds can be somewhat intrusive….
FOOT PEDALS
Situated in the drivers foot well are a number of pedals. The exact number depends on what type of vehicle you have bought from us.
If there are only two, then you have either bought an automatic, in which case you are an idle git and should learn to drive properly using a manual gearbox, like real men do. OR, you have bought an absolute dog which is missing a few bits, again, not our problem. For auto boxes, one pedal makes it go, press down, and one makes it stop, again press down. Easy ain’t it.
For real men, you will find three pedals:
1. The one on the left if pressed down may or may not retard forward motion. The degree of retardation should be directly proportional to how hard you press down, press down too hard and you will generate huge plumes of tyre smoke and crash into the obstacle in front of you; this is called the “all locked up with nowhere to go” situation, or the “I was changing the CD/Brushing my hair/ sending a text/ Undue Care and Attention” situation, similar to the preceding situation, you crash into the obstacle in front….
A word of warning about the spiffing high tech Anti Lock Braking (aka ABS) system we took to fitting to our vehicles. Read this bit and commit to memory. ABS allows you to steer around obstacles whilst braking hard, thus avoiding the “all locked up with nowhere to go”situation, it may slightly reduce braking distances, but that is not its primary function. Honest.
2. The Middle pedal. This may operate the clutch which disengages the engine from the transmission. But then again, busted gearboxes, prop shafts and diffs also have a similar effect, all be it more irreversible than using the pedal…
Like the brake pedal, this one has a progressive action, if you only push it down a little bit (called slipping the clutch) the drive is not completely disengaged, this function has its uses. You know you are overdoing it a wee bit when slipping the clutch results in clouds of acrid smoke and fumes filling the interior of the vehicle…
3. The Right Pedal (aka the go faster pedal or loud switch). This is arguably the most fun to use. On petrol models fitted with V8’s it is the most glorious piece of kit we ever devised; it is recommended that on these vehicles it is ONLY ever pressed firmly to the floor and in every gear, and f*ck the greenies, I mean, have you heard a V8 on full chat? Better than sex man, better than sex. For Diesel owners, well, get a life and a V8, as pressing this pedal to the floor will have a very limited effect on forward motion.
Now for most models, this pedal is attached to the carbs or fuel injection (don’t mention the oil burners; for God’s sake, oil is for central heating, not motor vehicles) by a piece of the same stretchy string that we use for all control cables, so the same caveats apply…However, some bright young thing in the design team came up with a really clever idea of dispensing with the stretchy string stuff altogether. Now this seemed to be a good idea at the time, he called it Fly by wire. The idea was that there would be no physical connection between the go faster bits attached to the engine and the pedal itself. Instead the degree of forward motion would be governed by electricity, who would believe that, I ask you…
The controller of this function (called a throttle potentiometer, I think) was placed in the foot well where it could get bathed in water and be smacked by the bits of cardboard we installed as interior trim, and as we all know, water and electricity were simply made for each other, not. The results can be hilarious, the go faster pedal becomes possessed by its own demons and simply does its own thing and sod what the driver wants.The only redeeming feature of this debacle is that is mainly fitted to 5 cylinder diesels, and as we all know, diesels don’t go fast enough to cause any real damage, besides they tend to go bang at about 100K miles, so problem solved. Still, as a technological exercise, it proved that we at Landrover are a forward thinking bunch…
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Andrew Colville
Re: The New Landrover Owners Manual
Erg goed,
Heb me hier niet ziek om gelachen.
"A note about Landrover horns. It may not be possible to hear the horn sounding whilst driving your vehicle as we fitted the quietist one we could find, that is because Landrover Plc do not wish to contribute to sound pollution. This horn works by giving a small, none damaging, electric shock to an ant that lives in metal box on the front grill, this causes the said critter to fart through a small trumpet, we think. Sh*t if you can’t hear a Landrover heading towards in the first place you are as deaf as a post so sounding the horn is a useless exercise anyway... The sound deadening we omitted to fit to your vehicle also helps prevent you hearing the horn above the cacophony of mechanical noise that emanate from your vehicle during normal use. "
Groetjes Andrew
Heb me hier niet ziek om gelachen.
"A note about Landrover horns. It may not be possible to hear the horn sounding whilst driving your vehicle as we fitted the quietist one we could find, that is because Landrover Plc do not wish to contribute to sound pollution. This horn works by giving a small, none damaging, electric shock to an ant that lives in metal box on the front grill, this causes the said critter to fart through a small trumpet, we think. Sh*t if you can’t hear a Landrover heading towards in the first place you are as deaf as a post so sounding the horn is a useless exercise anyway... The sound deadening we omitted to fit to your vehicle also helps prevent you hearing the horn above the cacophony of mechanical noise that emanate from your vehicle during normal use. "
Groetjes Andrew
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Eric&Betty Boop
Re: The New Landrover Owners Manual
Ze doen alles ook anders in Engeland.
Niet alleen het stuur maar ook de pedalen zitten op een andere plek.
Rem links en koppeling in het midden?
Groet.
Eric.
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Niet alleen het stuur maar ook de pedalen zitten op een andere plek.
Rem links en koppeling in het midden?
Groet.
Eric.
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